How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others When You Feel Behind

            Have you ever looked at someone your age and thought, “Why is my life not like this?” Maybe they have the clothes you wish you could afford. The phone you want. The relationship you’ve been praying for. The academic results you're working so hard for. Or maybe they just seem to have their life together while you're still trying to figure yours out. I know that feeling. Come sit down, let me tell you what comparison actually looked like in my life.

Since I got to Benin City, it has honestly been work, work, work. Before I even gained admission, I was already working. My first job lasted for a few months. It was kind of like a part-time job, but it didn't always feel part-time. During my WAEC exam period, after lectures, I would immediately go to work.

Lecture finished? Work.

No long rest. No “let me go home and relax first.”

I would just move from one thing to another. I stayed there until the end of the year. Then January came, and I had to start JAMB classes. I wrote JAMB in April. The following month, I got another job. So while I was waiting and trying to figure out what would happen with school, I was working again.

Eventually, I stopped that job in August because I had to attend a one-month Post-UTME lecture. After that, I came back again. And I finally stopped working in November when I gained admission. So when I say it felt like work, work, work, I mean it.

But here's the part people don't always see. Working didn't suddenly mean I had money. Sometimes I would feel sad. Sometimes I would feel heartbroken. I was working, but I still couldn't afford certain things I needed. Most of the money was spent on feeding. And sometimes, I would look around and see other girls. Pretty shoes. Pretty clothes. Expensive gadgets. Things that I would look at and think, “Wow, I wish I could afford that.” And then that little question would come:

“Why was I different?”

Why did my own life feel like this?

Why did I have to work so hard and still struggle to afford some of the things I wanted?

Why did it seem like other people were enjoying things that I was constantly working towards?

That was where comparison could really get to me. And maybe you understand that feeling more than you'd like to admit. Maybe you're working hard too. Maybe you're in school and watching someone else live the kind of student life you wish you could afford. Maybe your friend has a new phone while yours is struggling for its life. Maybe someone your age is already making money. Maybe someone is travelling. Maybe someone is in a beautiful relationship. Maybe someone seems to have the clothes, confidence, body, grades, friends or opportunities you've been wishing for.

And you start wondering: “What am I doing wrong?” But as I've grown, I've learned something I wish I understood earlier: We all have different timelines. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work hard. It doesn't mean you shouldn't want better. And it definitely doesn't mean you should sit down and wait for life to happen. It simply means someone else's progress is not proof that you are failing.

So, if you've ever looked at someone else's life and felt like yours wasn't enough, let's talk about how to stop comparing yourself to others.

1. Stop using someone else's life as a measuring stick

One of the biggest problems with comparison is that we turn somebody else's life into a standard for ours. You see someone with something you don't have and immediately think you're behind. But why? Why does their having something mean you are failing? It doesn't.

Someone can have a nicer phone than you without you being unsuccessful.

Someone can dress better than you without you being unattractive.

Someone can be earning more than you without you being a failure.

Someone can be in a relationship while you're single without you being unwanted.

Their life is happening. Your life is happening too. They are simply not the same life. And that's okay.

2. Remember that we all have different timelines

This is one lesson my own experience has taught me. There were things I wanted but couldn't afford. There were periods when I was working hard and still felt like I wasn't moving fast enough. But looking back, I can see that my life was not necessarily “behind.” I was simply living my own reality.

Some people will get opportunities before you. Some people will start earning before you. Some will travel before you. Some will buy things you can't afford yet. Some will get into relationships before you. Some will figure out their career earlier. And you may experience some of those things later. Different does not automatically mean behind. You don't need to panic every time someone reaches a milestone before you.

3. Be honest about what actually hurts

Sometimes we try to be too positive about comparison. We say things like, “Just be grateful.” But sometimes you're genuinely disappointed. Sometimes you really do want the thing you're comparing yourself over. I wanted some of the things I saw other girls having. I wasn't imagining that. I couldn't afford certain things, and that hurt sometimes. And I think it's okay to admit that.

You can say “I wish I could afford that.”

You can say: “I wish I had that opportunity.”

You can say: “I want my life to improve.”

Acknowledging that doesn't make you ungrateful. The important thing is not allowing that disappointment to become: “Therefore, I'm not good enough.” Those are two different statements.

4. Ask yourself: “Do I want their life, or do I want what it represents?”

This question can change how you look at comparison. Maybe you see someone with expensive gadgets and think you want their life. But perhaps what you actually want is financial freedom. Maybe you see someone dressed beautifully or handsomely and think you want to be them. But perhaps you simply want to feel confident and put-together. Maybe you see someone travelling and feel jealous. Perhaps what you really want is new experiences and freedom.

Find the actual desire underneath the comparison. Then you can work towards that desire instead of spending your energy wishing you were somebody else.

5. Let admiration become inspiration

There is nothing wrong with seeing someone doing well and thinking: “I want that too.” The problem is when that thought becomes: “I'll never have that because my life is terrible.” Try changing the question.

Instead of: “Why do they're have this and I don't?”

Ask: “What can I learn from this?”

Maybe you admire their discipline. Maybe they're worked for what they have. Maybe they developed a skill. Maybe they took an opportunity. Or maybe they simply had circumstances that were different from yours.

Whatever the case, you can admire something without turning yourself into the loser of the story.

6. Don't compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight especially if your comparison is on social media 

You know what social media does? It gives you someone's best five seconds and allows your brain to write the remaining 23 hours and 59 minutes. You see the outfit. The new phone. The birthday pictures. The relationship pictures. The achievement. The vacation. And then you compare it to your ordinary Tuesday. Of course your life is going to look boring next to that.

But you don't actually know the complete story behind what you're seeing. That doesn't mean everyone showing something online is secretly miserable. It simply means you don't have enough information to use their highlight as a complete measurement of your life.

7. Don't overlook what you're already doing

One thing comparison made me realise is that sometimes we completely ignore our own effort. I was working. I was attending lectures. I was preparing for exams. I was trying to move forward. And yet, I could look at somebody else's possessions and suddenly feel like I was doing nothing with my life. But I was doing something. It just didn't look like the thing I was admiring.

Maybe you're doing the same thing. Maybe you're studying while someone else is travelling. Maybe you're working while someone else is buying things. Maybe you're building something quietly while someone else is already showing results. Your progress doesn't become meaningless just because somebody else's is more visible.

8. You can want more without hating where you are

I don't want this article to become one of those “just be grateful for what you have” speeches. Wanting more is not automatically a bad thing. I want better things too. You can be grateful and ambitious. You can appreciate what you have while working towards what you want. You can look at your current life and say: “I'm thankful, but I know I can grow from here.” That's healthy.

What isn't healthy is allowing what you don't have to determine your worth. Your phone isn't your worth. Your clothes aren't your worth. Your bank balance isn't your worth. Someone else's lifestyle certainly isn't your worth.

9. Be careful about what you keep consuming on social media 

If a particular account constantly makes you feel inadequate, you are allowed to mute it. You don't have to hate the person. You don't have to announce that you're leaving. You can simply protect your mind. Because sometimes you're not actually unhappy with your life until you spend an hour looking at somebody else's.

Take breaks. Do things offline. Focus on school, work, friendships, hobbies, faith, family or whatever genuinely matters to you. Your life deserves your attention too.

10. When comparison hits, do something with the feeling

You probably won't completely stop comparing yourself overnight. It may still happen. So when it does, try this: First, identify what you're comparing. Is it money? Appearance?School? Relationships? Career? Lifestyle? Then ask yourself: “Do I actually want this, or do I just feel like I'm supposed to have it?”

If you genuinely want it, turn the feeling into a goal. If it's something outside your control, remind yourself that somebody else's timeline isn't yours. Then take one small step towards your own life. Study for an hour. Save some money. Learn something. Apply for an opportunity. Work on your project. Take care of yourself. Do something that moves your life forward. That's much more productive than sitting on your phone wondering why you aren't somebody else.

11. It's okay to create a little distance

Sometimes the person you're comparing yourself to isn't someone you can simply unfollow. Maybe it's your coursemate. Maybe it's your colleague at work. Or even possibly your neighbor. So what happens when you can't physically avoid the person? Create a little emotional and social distance.

This doesn't mean ignoring them, becoming rude, or suddenly acting like they don't exist. Greet them normally. Be friendly. Celebrate their achievements. The difference is in what you allow yourself to focus on.

Stop constantly checking what they're wearing, buying, achieving or doing. Avoid conversations that leave you feeling inadequate, especially when you find yourself comparing your money, grades, relationships or lifestyle with theirs. Instead, invest more of your time in your own routine and in friendships that allow you to feel comfortable being yourself.

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Sometimes the person isn't doing anything wrong. You're simply spending so much time looking at their life that you're forgetting to live yours. You may see them every day, but they don't have to become your daily reference point. Be around them without constantly measuring yourself against them.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to compare myself to other people?

Yes. Comparing yourself to others is a normal human tendency. We naturally notice what other people have, especially when it's something we want too. The important thing is not letting comparison become the way you measure your own worth or progress.

Why does comparing myself to others make me feel bad?

Comparison often makes us focus on what we lack while overlooking what we already have and how far we've come. You're also usually comparing your everyday reality with the parts of someone else's life that you can see. That can make their life look better and your own feel smaller than it actually is.

Should I distance myself from someone I constantly compare myself to?

You don't necessarily have to cut them off, especially if they're your coursemate, roommate or someone you see every day. A little social or emotional distance can simply mean spending less time monitoring their life, avoiding conversations that constantly trigger comparison, and putting more attention into your own goals. You can still be kind to someone without using their life as your measuring stick.

You Are Not Behind Just Because Someone Else Is Ahead

Looking back at my own experience, I don't think the answer was to pretend I didn't care about the things I couldn't afford. I cared. Sometimes it hurt. Sometimes I wondered why my life was different. But I've learned to look at my journey differently. I had my own circumstances. My own responsibilities. My own struggles. My own opportunities. And eventually, I understood something simple: We all have different timelines.

You don't have to be at the same place as everyone your age. You don't have to have everything figured out. You don't have to own everything you want right now. You don't have to turn somebody else's success into evidence that you're failing. Keep growing. Keep working. Keep learning. Keep becoming. Want better for yourself, but don't hate yourself because you haven't gotten there yet.

And the next time you catch yourself looking at someone else's life and thinking, “Why isn't my life like this?” Pause. Take a breath. Come back to yourself. Then ask:“What can I do with what I have right now?” Because your life doesn't need to look like somebody else's to be worth building.

We all have different timelines. And yours is still unfolding.

Love my intentional people 💖

Love Wodee.