How to Choose Someone to Date: What Actually Matters Before You Get Attached

I'm 19, and I've never been in a relationship. So if you're expecting another “I've been through ten breakups and five situationships, here's what I learned” article, that's not what this is. In a world where most people date early and date without purpose I’m apparently moving at a different speed.

But here’s something I’ve realized from watching relationships around me, having people show interest in me, and thinking seriously about the kind of relationship I would actually want: choosing someone to date is not the same thing as simply liking someone.”

You can like someone and still realize they aren't the right person for you. Someone can like you genuinely and still not be someone you should date. And sometimes, the person who gives you butterflies isn't necessarily the person who gives you the kind of relationship you actually want.

That is where intentional dating comes in. Before you become emotionally attached, start imagining your future together, or find yourself defending behaviour you would normally question, it is worth slowing down and asking: Who exactly am I choosing to date?

Not just, “Do they like me?”

Not just, “Are they attractive?”

Not even just, “Do I have feelings for them?”

But, “Does this person actually fit the kind of relationship and life I want?”

Here is what I think actually matters.

Related on Love Wodee:

I've Never Been in a Relationship at 19: Am I Starting Later Than My Peers?

1. Don't choose someone simply because they chose you

Being wanted feels good. There is something flattering about knowing that someone thinks you're beautiful, interesting, funny or special enough to pursue. But someone's interest in you is not automatically a reason to date them.

I have had someone genuinely interested in me before. He wasn't a horrible person. In fact, he was kind and respectful in many ways. But I still didn't think dating him was the right decision for me. And that taught me something important. You don't owe someone a relationship because they like you. You can appreciate someone's feelings and still say no.

Sometimes we accept people because we are afraid of rejecting a “good person.” But a good person is not automatically your person. Dating should involve mutual interest, but it should also involve your own honest decision.

2. Pay attention to their character, not just their charm

Someone can be incredibly charming when they are trying to win you over.They may text you constantly, compliment you, make you laugh and know exactly what to say. That's nice. But eventually, charm becomes normal. Character is what you are left with.

How do they treat people who cannot do anything for them?

How do they speak about their friends?

How do they behave when they are angry?

Can they apologise?

Do they respect people who disagree with them?

Do they keep their word?

Are they considerate when nobody is watching?

You don't need to interrogate someone like you're conducting a police investigation. Just pay attention. People reveal a lot about themselves in ordinary situations. And sometimes those ordinary situations reveal things we really wish we'd noticed earlier. I wrote about 6 Red Flags I Almost Ignored Because He Liked Me, including what I learned from that person but ultimately wasn't the right person for me. If you are considering dating someone, who they consistently are matters more than how impressive they can be when they are trying to impress you.

Affiliate Disclosure: Some links in this post are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you make a purchase through them, at no extra cost to you. 

3. Make sure your values aren't fighting each other

You don't have to agree on absolutely everything to have a healthy relationship. But some differences are much bigger than others. Think about your values.

What does faith mean to you?

What are your boundaries?

What kind of lifestyle do you want?

What are your views about marriage and family?

How important are education and career?

What kind of future are you working towards?

What does commitment mean to you?

And please, you don't need to ask someone on your first conversation, “So, what is your five-year plan for our marriage?” Please chillax. But as things become more serious, these conversations matter.Because attraction can make differences seem tiny at the beginning. Then six months later, the things you ignored because “I really like him” suddenly become the biggest arguments in the relationship.

Intentional dating means you're not only asking, “Do I enjoy being around this person?” You're also asking, “Can our important values coexist?”

Related on Love Wodee:

Intentional Dating for African Students in 2026: Date With Purpose

4. Don't ignore how they respond to your boundaries

This one matters a lot to me. A person's reaction when you say no can tell you more than their behaviour when you're saying yes. And there's no better way than choosing someone that believes in boundaries. Maybe you don't want to kiss yet. Maybe you don't want to have sex. You're waiting till marriage. Maybe you don't want to spend every day together. Maybe you don't want to tell them everything about your life immediately. Maybe you simply need space.

Whatever your boundary is, the important question is: Can they respect it without making you feel guilty for having it? Someone can disagree with your boundary and still respect it. But repeatedly pressuring you, mocking you, manipulating you or making you feel guilty because you said no is something worth taking seriously.

Your boundaries are not obstacles someone has to convince you to remove. They are part of you. And the person you date should be able to understand that. And boundaries aren't only important when you're choosing someone.If you're a Christian and you want to think more deeply about physical, emotional and digital boundaries while dating, [Godly Boundaries for Christian Dating] is one resource you can check out. It goes into things like communicating boundaries, accountability and keeping your dating life aligned with your faith. (affiliate link)

And boundaries aren't only important when you're choosing someone. They're also something you should watch once you're actually getting to know them. They're also something you should watch once you're actually getting to know them. If you're a Christian and you want to think more deeply about physical, emotional and digital boundaries while dating, [Godly Boundaries for Christian Dating] is one resource you can check out. It goes into things like communicating boundaries, accountability and keeping your dating life aligned with your faith. 

5. Look at where they are going, not just where they are

This doesn't mean you should date someone because they have money, a perfect career or their entire life figured out. Especially as young people, most of us are still figuring things out. A person doesn't need to have their entire future mapped out. But direction matters.

Someone doesn't have to be rich. They don't even have to have everything together. What matters is whether they have some sense of responsibility and direction.

Are they taking their education seriously?

Are they developing themselves?

Do they have goals?

Are they willing to work?

Do they take responsibility for their choices?

Or are they simply drifting and expecting everyone around them to carry them?

There is a difference between not having much yet and having no intention of becoming anything different. Don't date someone's potential while completely ignoring their present behaviour. Potential is possibility. Character is what you can actually observe. 

This is also why I don't think seriousness should be measured by money alone. A guy can have very little money and still be responsible, intentional and supportive. I explored that idea more in 10 Signs a Guy Is Genuinely Serious About You as a Female Student in Nigeria, especially the difference between being financially limited and simply being irresponsible.

6. Ask yourself why you want to date them

This question can expose a lot. And there's no better way to know what you want than asking yourself important questions.

Why do you actually want this relationship?

Because you genuinely like the person?

Because you admire who they are?

Because you feel emotionally safe around them?

Because your values align?

Or because everyone around you seems to be dating?

Because you're tired of being single?

Because you want someone to post?

Because you want to experience your first relationship?

Because you're scared nobody else will come?

Because this person gives you attention you haven't received before?

Sometimes we don't want the person as much as we want what being chosen by that person makes us feel. And those are two very different things. If you are lonely, attention can feel like love. If you're insecure, validation can feel like compatibility. If you're bored, chemistry can feel deeper than it actually is. That's why sometimes the best thing you can do before dating someone is slow down enough to understand yourself.

7. Think about whether you actually like them, not just the idea of them

This is another trap. You meet someone attractive, interesting and ambitious, and your brain immediately starts writing the movie. You haven't even dated yet and you're already imagining anniversaries, vacations, wedding colours and the names of children who don't exist. Please come back to earth.

You need to know the actual person before falling in love with the version of them you've created in your head.

Ask yourself:

Do I genuinely enjoy their personality?

Do I respect them?

Can we communicate?

Can we disagree without everything becoming dramatic?

Do I feel comfortable being myself around them?

Do I like who I am when I'm around them?

That last question is especially important. Because sometimes we focus so much on whether they are good for us that we forget to ask what the relationship is bringing out of us.

Related on Love Wodee:

10 Signs a Guy Is Genuinely Serious About You as a Female Student in Nigeria

10 Signs a Girl Is Serious About You as a Male Student in Nigeria

8. Don't let chemistry make every decision

Chemistry is not bad. Of course you should feel some attraction to someone you're considering dating. But chemistry is not a complete compatibility test. You can have incredible chemistry with someone whose values are completely different from yours. You can miss someone terribly and still know that the relationship isn't healthy for you. You can have butterflies and still have unanswered questions.

This is why intentional dating isn't about killing romance. It's about refusing to let romance do all the thinking. Feelings matter. They just shouldn't be the only thing making decisions.

For me, it comes down to this: Don't only ask whether you like them. Ask whether you can respect them, trust them, communicate with them, share important values with them and see a realistic path forward with them.

And give yourself permission to take your time. You don't have to say yes because someone has asked you three times. You don't have to date someone because your friends think you would look cute together.

You don't have to date because you're 19 and feel like you're “behind.” And you definitely don't have to lower your standards simply because you are afraid that waiting means nobody will come. At the same time, don't create an impossible checklist where someone has to be perfect before you will consider them.

People are human. Everyone has weaknesses. The point isn't to find a flawless person. It's to find someone whose character, values, direction and way of relating to you make sense for the kind of relationship you want.

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One last thing from someone who has never dated:

I don't have years of relationship experience to draw from. I'm still figuring this out too. But maybe that's part of why I think this conversation matters. I've realized that not dating yet doesn't mean I have to be clueless about what I want.

I can observe. I can learn. I can listen. I can make mistakes without rushing into a relationship just to prove that I can have one. And if I eventually choose someone to date, I don't want my main reason to be, “Well, at least somebody finally chose me.” I want to be able to say, “I chose this person too.”

Because intentional dating isn't about finding the most impressive person in the room. It's about being honest enough with yourself to recognise who actually belongs in the kind of relationship you're trying to build. And sometimes, choosing wisely starts with being willing to say not yet.

Love my intentional people,

Love Wodee 💖